Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?" Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart." "Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy. This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?" "Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear". "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy. Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" "Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy. Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!" "Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one"
An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands . He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the pay-out from night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia ... ' Melbourne ', he tells her. 'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires. 'Glen Iris' he replies. 'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?' ' Cameo Street ' he replies. 'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering; 'What number?' 'Number 20', he replies. She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!' 'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you
A guy goes on to a ship to sail (and work) but he notices no women on board so he runs to the captain. Guy: "Captain, Captain!, there's no women on board what will be do for pleasure???" Captain: "Ohh... don't worry me laddie just stick your dick in that barrel and everything will be alright So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his dick in the barrel and gets a wonderful sensation. So he does this every day after that until one day he sticks his dick in the barrel and nothing happens So he runs to the captain and says "Captain, Captain, I stuck my dick in the barrel and nothing happened". Captain: "Ohhh i forgot to tell you laddie its your turn in the barrel"......
An Aussie guy went out duck hunting and a gust of wind blew, his gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in his private parts. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local, to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot." "What's the bad news?" asked the hunter. "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister." "Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?" "Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra. . She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.
The flock of prize budgerigars recently stolen in Oxfordshire was probably stolen to order, said the Chairman of The Budgie Society, Hugh Zapretti Boyden. not many getting it .......whos a pretty boy then
Dear Technical Support, 18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2020 Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Leon FR hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but I've been told there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself. Any advice would be helpful, many thanks.
A couple, both age 78, went to an NHS sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them £50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £90. The Hilton charges £108. We do it here for £50...and I get £43 back from Bupa.
I kept noticing that my underpants were damp and stained so I went to the doctor who took a sample and sent it to be analysed. When they put it under the microscope there were thousands of tiny soldiers in the fluid ... .... they suspect that it's a military discharge
So I was in a shoe shop this morning and was trying on a shoe. I said to the assistant: "It's too tight". She said: "Try it with the tongue out", I said: "It'th nho ghood, it'th thtill thoo thight!
