I looked out of my window in horror yesterday as a crowd gathered around a crashed motorcyclist. I rushed outside yelling, "Let me through, let me through." A man at the front said, "Thank God for that, are you a Doctor?" I said, "No, that's my Pizza."
At the Pearly Gates !! Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. The Angel tells them unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity.' The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. Without saying a word, the Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever. The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.' Dolly is outraged and screams, 'What was that all about? show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down She wees into a toilet and she gets in! Explain that to me!' 'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, ‘but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair - no matter how big they are.........
WordPerfect Customer Service Tech: “Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?” Customer: “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.” Tech: “What sort of trouble?” Customer: “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.” Tech: “Went away?” Customer: “They disappeared.” Tech: “Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?” Customer: “Nothing.” Tech: “Nothing?” Customer: “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.” Tech: “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?” Customer: “How do I tell?” Tech: “Can you see the “C” prompt on the screen?” Customer: “What’s a sea-prompt?” Tech: “Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?” Customer: “There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.” Tech: “Does your monitor have a power indicator?” Customer: “What’s a monitor?” Tech: “It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?” Customer: “I don’t know.” Tech: “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?” Customer: “…Yes, I think so.” Tech: “Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.” Customer: “…Yes, it is.” Tech: “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?” Customer: “No.” Tech: “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.” Customer: “…Okay, here it is.” Tech: “Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.” Customer: “I can’t reach.” Tech: “Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?” Customer: “No.” Tech: “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?” Customer: “Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s dark.” Tech: “Dark?” Customer: “Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.” Tech: “Well, turn on the office light then.” Customer: “I can’t.” Tech: “No? Why not?” Customer: “Because there’s a power outage.” Tech: “A power… a power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?” Customer: “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.” Tech: “Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.” Customer: “Really? Is it that bad?” Tech: “Yes, I’m afraid it is.” Customer: “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?” Tech: “Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”
Keir Starmer was visiting a Northern Ireland primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr Starmer if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'. So, Britain's illustrious opposition leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.' Incorrect,' said Starmer. being barrister trained'That would be an accident.' A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.' 'I'm afraid not', explained Starmer, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'. The room went silent. No other children volunteered.Starmer searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?' Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said: 'If a plane carrying you, Mr. Corbyn and Mr. Miliband was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.' 'Fantastic' exclaimed Starmer, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?' 'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a ****ing accident either!'
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.
