My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the canal. I did it but It broke my heart. I quite liked her dad.
I was stopped by a policeman earlier. He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?" "I was trying to keep up with traffic," I replied He said, "There is no traffic." I answered, "That's how far behind I am."
Bob the builder goes up to a girl in a nightclub and says, "I have an 8 inch dick and can shag all night"... After a few beers she takes Bob home with her. The next morning she says, "You said you had an 8 inch dick and could last all night. Instead you have a 5inch dick and lasted 3 minutes"... Bob replies "I'm a builder love. It was an estimate"...
Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8....
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The Middle Eastern muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?" Ahmed replied, "****, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing ! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning. During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock ?" All the men stood up. "No, no", he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock ?" All the women stood up. "No, no", he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them ?" Half the women stood up. "No, no", he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock ?" All the nuns, three altar boys, and a goat stood up.......
