I recently picked a new G.P. doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests,he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age, (I've just reached 71). A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor? 'Oh not much grog these days and don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued Ribs? 'I said, 'Not much.... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, surfing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?' 'No,' I said... He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why the F - - - do you want to live to 85?
A blonde Kiwi teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood in Nelson. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?' Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?' The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?' He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blond jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.' Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked. 'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.' Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip. 'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.
