Jokes

bloke in the pub told me he had just been to a funeral, the friend who'd passed away was a bit of a porn star and as a mark of respect they are going to scatter his ashes over his wife's face

 

I bet the YMCA dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese.

 

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night’ The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car' ‘Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today.

 

My hot neighbor wanted to have sex all night long…
She’s single . . . She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street in the rain and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door . . . I rushed to open it. She looked at me, and said, “I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk and have sex all night long! Are you busy tonight?”
I immediately replied, “Nope, I’m free . . . I have no plans at all!”
Then she said, “Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?”

 

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Lee's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear. Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Lee's wife, Sue, followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, he did.
Sue said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £250.'
Jim confirmed that he is very interested. Sue told him that since her husband Lee played golf Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Lee's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum, they went to the bedroom, and Sue gave him a flipping great time. Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Lee came home from golf at 6 p.m. and upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered, 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'Did he give you £250?
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did.'
Lee, with a satisfied look on his face, continued, 'Good. He came by the golf club this morning and borrowed £250 from me. He promised he'd stop by this afternoon and pay it back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is how poker should be played..

 

That was a good'n, Roger.

 

Such a sad ending. I nearly cried.

 

just read a book about indian cuisine...it was naan fiction

 

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• A posh lady board member is being shown around her new hospital by the Matron.In the first room in the ward, she sees a patient furiously w*nking in bed.
• "Good Grief!" She exclaims, "That"s disgusting! Why is that man w**king in bed?"
• "Well," the matron explains, "that man has a rare disease which causes him to make too much semen. If he doesn"t relieve himself five times a day, his testicles will explode!"
• "Oh I see. That poor man," says the lady.
• Moving on to the second room, they look in to see a patient being given a blow job by a nurse.
• Shocked, the lady says "This is terrible, what"s your explanation for this?"
• "He"s got the same condition as the first man," replies the matron, "but he"s with BUPA."

 

Heard the sad news today. The man who invented Predictive Text has pasted away. His funfair is next monkey......

 

A Liverpool fan walks past a shop and sees the video "Liverpool - The Glory Years".
He goes into the shop and asks how much. "£100" says the shopkeeper.
"That's a bit steep, how come it's so dear ??"
"Well its a tenner for the video and £90 for the Betamax recorder!!

 

Never mind, he’s probably still got a Paki grooming gang to fall back on which the woke authorities turn a blind eye to

 

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