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What day of the week is it thread

Discussion in 'Wycombe' started by Guywanderer, Mar 15, 2020.

  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Someone asked me, "and now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"

    I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser."

    "Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

    "Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my Fuc*ing advice, she'll ask me. for i t."
     
    #2861
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2862
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall.
    They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech.
    She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.........
     
    #2863
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Pat and Mick went to a job interview ,Mick went in first, the foreman said we are a very religious company now I've only one question, name me two disciples, Mick says Mark and John, the foreman said well done start on Monday.
    He went out and said its easy Pat you only have to name two disciples and the jobs yours.
    Pat says Mick I don't know any disciples ,Mick says I'll tell you the answer, Pat says but my memory is very bad Mick.
    Mick says right Pat I'll write it on this shovel then when the foreman asks you to name two disciples, you just read the answer off the shovel and the jobs yours, Pat says thank you Mick that's great.
    Pat goes in ,the foreman asks Pat name two disciples, Pat full of confidence, looks at the shovel and answers SPEAR And JACKSON.
     
    #2864
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
    In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
    'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'asked the solicitor.
    Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
    'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
    Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road...... '
    The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
    By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor:
    'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
    Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.
    'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
    Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
    Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?' 'Now wot da fock would you say?'
     
    #2865
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I was shocked at the price of those ‘Ancestry DNA kits’, so rather than spend any money, I just announced that I had won the lottery.

    I quickly found out who my relatives are.
     
    #2866
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  7. Ron

    Ron Well-Known Member
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    When I heard that one Woopert, it was 10 blondes and a brunette :emoticon-0100-smile
     
    #2867
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  8. Ron

    Ron Well-Known Member
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    #2868
  9. philhythe

    philhythe Well-Known Member

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    There are people on here far more Tech Savvy than I am
     
    #2869
  10. philhythe

    philhythe Well-Known Member

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    I have no idea if it's a good idea or not, but if it works I can see a lot of clubs following us
     
    #2870

  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Paddy and Mick walk past a shop in London.
    A sign in the window says,
    Suits £5
    Coats £3
    Trousers £2.
    Paddy says to Mick "look, we could buy a load of clothes and take them back to Dublin and sell them for more than 10 times what we pay for them."
    They go in and say to the woman behind the counter,
    "Hello, can we have 50 suits,100 coats, and 80 pairs of trousers please?"
    The woman replies "you're Irish aren't you?"
    Paddy says "Yes . . . . how did you know?"
    She replies "This is a dry cleaners, you daft ****."
     
    #2871
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  12. Ron

    Ron Well-Known Member
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    Why is abbreviation such a long word?
     
    #2872
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2873
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it....
    Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
    A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
    I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
    Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
    I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
    They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
    I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
    Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
    This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
    When chemists die, apparently they barium.
    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
    I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
    I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
    When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
    Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
    I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.
    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
    Velcro - what a rip off!
     
    #2874
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2875
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  16. Guywanderer

    Guywanderer Well-Known Member

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    All royalties to Tim Vine<laugh><laugh>
     
    #2876
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  17. Guywanderer

    Guywanderer Well-Known Member

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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #2878
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Yes, I'm looking for the Sue Gray report, do you have a copy?

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    #2879
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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