Two old ladies sat on a bench on Brighton Sea Front A naked jogger ran up to them As he passed the first one she had a stroke The second one sadly couldn't reach him
An Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.' 'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!' 'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.' 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!' There's a few minutes of silence. 'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces. 'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain. 'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot. 'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!' "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah...all feckin same."
BREAKING: The English Cricket Board announce they have appointed tennis world number one Novak Djokovic as a temporary batting coach. "We acknowledge he doesn't have a background in our sport, but we couldn't overlook the fact it took two weeks for Australia to get him out!"
For her birthday I took my girlfriend to an orchard where we stood looking at trees for half an hour.. Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently
Teacher: "Johnny, can you use the word “gruesome” in a sentence?" Johnny: "Yes ma’am, I used to be shorter, then I gruesome."
A bishop, a nun, and a football agent were adrift on a life raft in the tropics. At last they sighted land. But the wind died down while they were still a short way from the beach. The football agent, the only one who could swim, volunteered to go ashore with a line and pull the raft to land. The bishop and nun fell to their knees to pray for his safety. Then the agent dived in. His companions saw the black fin of a shark making straight for him. The shark disappeared, then came up on the other side, having passed under the swimmer. The agent seemed unperturbed, slowly switching to different swimming strokes, seemingly enjoying the exercise. Shortly, the bishop and nun saw an ever bigger shark darting toward the football agent, but again, this one also swerved just in time. After the agent had reached shallow water, he pulled the raft ashore, and as the bishop and nun jumped off the raft to safety, they simultaneously exclaimed, “There is proof of the power of prayer.” “Power of prayer, be damned!” retorted the agent. “That was just professional courtesy.”
I saw a sign on a friends door which read : "Beware of the budgie" I said: `That won't scare off anybody " " Oh, yes it will, " he said." It whistles for the rottweiler "
