What day of the week is it thread

I just bought a book on how to stop procrastinating.

I’m going to read it tomorrow…... or possibly the day after…...... maybe next week…

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.

 

An Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.' 'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!' 'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.' 'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!' There's a few minutes of silence. 'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces. 'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain. 'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot. 'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!' "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah...all feckin same."

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

BREAKING: The English Cricket Board announce they have appointed tennis world number one Novak Djokovic as a temporary batting coach.

"We acknowledge he doesn't have a background in our sport, but we couldn't overlook the fact it took two weeks for Australia to get him out!"

 

please log in to view this image

 

For her birthday I took my girlfriend to an orchard where we stood looking at trees for half an hour..

Not the Apple Watch she was expecting apparently

 

Teacher: "Johnny, can you use the word “gruesome” in a sentence?"

Johnny: "Yes ma’am, I used to be shorter, then I gruesome."

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

I once dated a girl that collected magazines.

We had to break up because she had too many issues.