a neighbour of mine owns a boatyard and recently bought a dog to be on the premises to help deter intruders...he said it's ****ing useless it doesn't even bark and people are still strolling around, i said what breed is it?....he replied a uk border collie
And an Scotsman and an Englishman are sitting in a bar, when the Scotsman says "Just look at those shores" The Englishman said "What shores" And the Scotsman said "Thanks, I'll have a double whisky".
The plane was about to crash - the pilot called out, "Anyone on this plane believe in the power of prayer?" A vicar's hand went straight up. "Thank f*ck for that!" said the pilot. "We're one parachute short."
My mate was sat on the side of his bed last night pulling off his boxers and his wife walked in and said, “You spoil those dogs!”
Parents: Show your kids the true meaning of Christmas by having your credit card bills addressed to them.
My wife pointed at me and said, "Well you're definitely on the naughty list this year." "In my defence," I replied, holding my hands up, "I was drunk and it was your sister who came on to me, not the other way round." She stared at me for a few moments, "... I was going to say you forgot to get the sprouts."
Did you hear about the Pre-School teacher who was helping one of the children put on his "Wellie boot's"? He asked for help and she could see why.. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little "Wellie's" still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second "Wellie" on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Miss, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the "Wellie's" off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the "Wellie's" back on, this time on the right feet.. He then announced, "These aren't my Wellies." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting "Wellie's" off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the "Wellie's" off when he said, "They're my brother's "Wellie's", My mom made me wear 'them.' Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the "Wellie's" on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your gloves?" He said, "I stuffed 'them in the toes of my Wellie's". She will be eligible for parole in three years!
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing . . . . forty-five years of misery is enough". "Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her". Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "No way they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this". She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
