Told my mate who happens to be a doctor, I was having trouble in the bedroom? So he gave me some Viagra - I can't see how that's going to help me put up 2 IKEA wardrobes!!
Gene Pitney's undertakers have said that it will take ten weeks to make him a coffin from oak. Or twenty-four hours from balsa.
During labour, the nurse came up to Paddy and his wife and said, "How about Epidural Anaesthesia?" Paddy said, "Thanks, but we've already picked a name.
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will make passionate love to you . So, who wants to go first ? "The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said. "That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?" The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley". That's no better. There'll be no love making for you I'm afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy ? The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out " London ". Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise. After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy love making, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
An old farmer got into his truck and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the homestead door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door. Mornin'. Is your Dad home, son'? The farmer asked. 'Sorry Sir, he isn't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town.' 'Well,' said the farmer, 'Is your Mom here, then'? 'No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad.' 'How about your brother, Greg? Is he here'? 'He went with Mum and Dad.' The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. 'Is there anything I can do for ya'? The boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.' 'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant.' The boy considered for a moment. 'You would have to talk to Dad about that,' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg.
Someone threw fabric conditioner at me in Tesco. Didn't see the label but must have been Lenor. It was too close for Comfort
