A bloke from Yorkshire goes to a jewellers. He says..... "can tha mek a gold statue o mi dog" ? Jeweller replies......"Aye cocka I reckon I can, dus tha wannit eighteen carat?" Bloke replies " na ya datf get, I wannit chowing a bone !!!"
I was wondering if someone could help me? My wife has sent me out to M&S for canapés.. Is this what she means? please log in to view this image
A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving. "Excuse me do I know you?" he asks. "Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says. The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, "Flippin heck, are you the bird I 'met' on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me." "No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher!"
A Scouser guy goes on the antiques roadshow with a very rare vase. Hugh Scully asks, "How did you acquire the vase?" The Scouser says, "It was handed down to me." Hugh Scully, "Where from?" The Scouser replies, "An upstairs window
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer and said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish". Suddenly the clouds parted and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish" The man thought and said, "Please build me a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over there anytime" The Lord considered and said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics involved. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific ocean! The concrete and steel needed! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take more time and think of another wish. One that would honour and glorify me." The man thought for a while. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. Although I feel I have done my best, all my wives have said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish I could understand women. I want to know how they feel, what they are thinking when they ignore me, why they cry, what they mean when I ask “What’s wrong?’ and they answer "Nothing" ...and how I can make a woman truly happy" After a few minutes God said, "You want two or four lanes on that bridge?"
Told my mate who happens to be a doctor, I was having trouble in the bedroom? So he gave me some Viagra - I can't see how that's going to help me put up 2 IKEA wardrobes!!
Gene Pitney's undertakers have said that it will take ten weeks to make him a coffin from oak. Or twenty-four hours from balsa.
During labour, the nurse came up to Paddy and his wife and said, "How about Epidural Anaesthesia?" Paddy said, "Thanks, but we've already picked a name.
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will make passionate love to you . So, who wants to go first ? "The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said. "That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?" The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley". That's no better. There'll be no love making for you I'm afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy ? The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out " London ". Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise. After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy love making, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said "-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
