A woman phones her mother-in-law. "Can you tell me who changes the baby when it has crapped itself, the mum or the dad?" "It's always the mummy, dear." "Well, in that case you'd better get over here quick 'cause your son has come home drunk and sh*t himself."
I was out walking my dog today when a old lady shouted, ''I hope you're going to pick up that sh*t'' Calm down dear i said, let me wipe my arse first!!
I think that I must have had 'one over the eight' last night because when I got home I decided to fix a dart board to the ceiling for some bizarre reason . . . . then spent the night throwing up !
The Pope was in England and got into his limousine and said to the chauffeur 'I am always being driven around and I'm getting fed up with it. I am a good driver so please could you let me drive ?' The chauffeur agreed and the Pope drove. A Police car pulled the limo over and the policeman saw that the Pope was the driver and said 'I need to go back to my car for a second' The policeman got on the radio 'Sarg, I have just pulled a limo over for speeding.' Sarg replied 'Issue a ticket, then' The policeman said 'but Sarg, I think that it is somebody really Important.' Sarg replied 'More Important than the Prime minister?' The policeman said 'I think so, Sarg.' Sarg replied 'More important than the Queen?' The policeman replied 'It's quite possible Sarg.' 'So who is it then?' asked Sarg. The policeman replied 'I don't know Sarg, but the Pope is his chauffeur.'
If you're cheating on your wife only have sex with mutes or lasses with big fannies ... ... neither of them will split on you.
Had a great night with the missus last night. I was on top and really going for it until, after 45 intense minutes, the bed gave way. Which was a shame, as that woke her up.
I went to a Chinese diarrhoea convention last night. After the speech finished, everybody started crapping.
