An 83-year-old gent arrived in Paris by plane. As he fumbled in his bag for his passport an obnoxious French immigration officer asked if he had been to France before, he admitted that he had indeed been previously. The officer somewhat typically and sarcastically said that he should have known that he should have his passport ready for presentation at immigration. The gent said “but I didn’t have to show it the last time!” Impossible, replied the French immigration officer, you British have always had to show your passports to enter France. The old man replied "well when I came across the beach on 'D Day‘ in 1944 I couldn’t find any fecking Frenchmen to show it to!"
Fred came home from University in tears. “Mum, am I adopted?” “No of course not,” replied his mother. “Why would you think such a thing?” Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city. Perturbed, his mother called her husband. “Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and… and… I don’t know how to say this… he may not be our son.” “Well, obviously!” he replied. “What do you mean?” “It was your idea in the first place” her husband continued. “You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry. On and on, and you asked me to change him.” “I picked a good one, I reckon. I'm ever so proud of Fred.”
This is the story of a blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot. The pilot has a heart attack and dies. She becomes frantic and calls out a May Day. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!" She hears a voice over the radio saying: "This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position." She says, "I'm 5'4" and I’m in the front seat.." ," says the voice on the radio, "Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven..."
I silently farted in bed last night and slowly lifted up the quilt. After a few seconds my wife shouted, "Bloody hell you dirty b*stard, that stinks!" It must of been pretty bad. She was downstairs at the time!
Two beggars in Manchester, Ali and Habib They beg in different areas of Manchester ... Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day. Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend. Habib asks Ali :- 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?' Ali says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'? Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'. Ali says No wonder you only get £2- £3 Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'? Ali shows Habib his sign.... It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan'.
