Jokes

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There was a young lady from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
In another half hour
Her tits were in flower
And her bum was covered in weeds

... you're welcome

 

The man who wrote "The Lion sleeps tonight" has been eaten by a crocodile.
Apparently he couldn't wim away in time.

 

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The Mrs said " I think our lad has started watching porn we seem to be going through load's of bog roll lately you better have a quiet word, later I went into the son's bedroom and said " listen son I know it's natural but your mother's cottoned on to the porny thing and the bog rolls going down rapid so" then he called out wrong room dad

 

A lad from Leeds is doing really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He's got to £125,000 with all his lifelines.

Jeremy: OK, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:

Ronnie Biggs

Ronnie O'Sullivan

Ronnie Corbett

Ronnie Wood

Take your time

Lad: I'll take the money Jeremy

Jeremy: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines

Lad: I'm sure Jeremy,I'll take the money

Jeremy: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.

Lad: I know the answer Jeremy.

Jeremy: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?

Lad: I may be mental Jeremy but I'm no grass.

 

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Working people frequently ask retired people what
They do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I
went into town and visited a shop.
... When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “a***hole” . He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Mary called him a “s*** head”. He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.

 

New
A young Sunderland lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?" The young man answered "Aye, loads, I was a canny salesman back in Sunderland." The manager liked the lad so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK ..... how many sales did you make today?" "Just the one, Marra." he said.The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
£124,237.64" replied the lad. The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64 . . . . what the hell did you sell him?" "Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon Roker, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon to the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think that his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon to the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki" The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me that a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?" "Nah, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's ****ed, you might as well gan fishing."

 

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Hang on. You were going to charge me and now you’re just giving it away for free

 

Good job they didn't, the French would never have found them.

 

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Guess who I bumped into in Spec Savers?

 

go on then Brissy try as i might i cant guess who

 

Everybody in the shop?