Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided totest it on himself first.
So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank god for mobile phones!).
'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works
fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'
'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons.'

 

"I want to buy some deodorant please."

"Ball or aerosol?"

"Neither, I want it for my armpits..."

 

Proper football!


Match between Marine v Dunstan electricity blackout.. midfielder stepped up and sorted it!

 

As I've said before . . . . the old ones are sometimes the best

 

. . . . aren't they

 

I went to a cake shop and all of the cakes were priced at £5 apart from one, which was £8. I asked "Why are all of your cakes the same price apart from this one, which is more expensive?"
The shopkeeper replied "That's Madeira cake"

 

Possibly one for the older amongst us . . . .

Some will share my disappointment at a detail in an article that I've been reading about Holly Willoughby. The rest of the article isn't relevant at all, but there's a link at the end in case anybody's interested.

This was the paragraph concerned:

For years Holly’s hectic life involved hosting not only 'This Morning' and 'Dancing on Ice' but also bringing up her three children – Harry, 12, Belle, ten, and Chester, seven – all of which meant that she had no time to connect ‘with what I wanted or needed’

You can imagine my reaction to finding that she hadn't called the youngest child Afonti.

article: https://www.you.co.uk/holly-willoughby-interview-2021/?utm_source=pocket-newtab-global-en-GB

 

Today I finally passed my driving test. I'm so delighted.
Now I can go dogging.
Without my parents having to give me a lift!

 

I’ve been trying to break up with an optician recently

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It’s really hard.
Every time I tell her I can’t see her anymore, she moves a little closer and says ‘how about now

 

Went on holiday last week. As a laid on the beach being massaged by a beautiful woman I looked at my wife and said, "This is the life, isn't it?"
She just completely ignored me. "Isn't it?" I asked again. She continued to ignore me. "Oh please yourself then," I said, "I don't know why I even bothered to Skype you."

 

I had a pet shop once , sign in the window said skunk for sale , Police never suspected a thing , shifted a kilo a week.

 

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Duracell would like to thank
All the women who self isolated during 2020

 

Calling my wife San Marino because she kicks off every 5 minutes!