Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

I actually got this before reading the answer.

 

and now both pairs of lips are sealed

 

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Paddy was walking along the seafront when he saw a blonde walking towards him. She was staring at his feet. He stopped and asked her why.

"Why have your boots got L and R painted on them?" she asked.

"Dats so's I remember what way round to wear them. L for Left and R for Roight." he replied.

"That's clever!" the blonde said. "Probably that's why my knickers have C & A on them..."

 

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie are all walking together one day...
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
****! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'
****! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Aussie says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the countries.
Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Aussie sits down on his Harley , cracks a beer, lights a cigarette, smiles and says,
'Fill the ****er with water.'

 

Davy Jones of the Monkees has had his first fight in Heaven. He bumped into Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston and started singing Hey Hey it's the Junkies.....

then ..........but Now I'm a bereaver

 

A farmer named Patrick lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Patrick went to the parish priest.
"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"
Father O'Reilly replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog`s death but, unfortunately, we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there`s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they`ll do something for the animal."
Patrick said, "I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father O'Reilly replied, "$500? Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

 

A young man excitedly takes his seat at his first FA cup final. A few minutes after k/o he notices the gap between himself and the elderly gent in the next seat but one.

Tentatively he says, "strange to have an empty seat, don't you think"?

The elderly gent says, "Ah, young man. That was my wife's seat. We watched the FA cup final for many years sitting together until she passed away".

Uncomfortable at his near gaff, the young man blusters further. "Gosh, I'm so sorry to hear that", and then adds as an afterthought, "But surely another member of your family might have taken the seat"?

"Na", says the gent, "they are all at the funeral"!

 

Dr. Smith's Prescriptions

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts Dr. Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'
She did this faithfully for several months!
To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!
One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely b00bs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood up in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smiths?
'Yes I am... How did you know?'

He winked and replied, " Hickory dickory dock "

 

Was concerned about the top sausage




Turned out ok but still shared it with the dogs

 

WARNING ...RANT! For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together? Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, toss my gin out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive on icy, snow covered roads. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.