Jokes

2 council workers arrived on site only for one to call out, ****, we've left the shovels in the yard, don't worry said the other, we can lean on the truck.

 

First woman on the moon, "Houston, we have a problem."
"What?"
"Never Mind."
"What's the problem?"
"Nothing."
"Please tell us."
"You know what the problem is."

 

My boss phoned me today.

He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favour?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?"

He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm behind you on the 7th hole."

 

If I got a pound for every time I was suspicious, I'd wonder who was paying me and why?

 

I started licking my wife out last night when suddenly she farted.
"You're disgusting!" I said gagging.
"So are you" she snapped,"I'm ****ing trying to have a **** here"

 

My boss phoned me today.

He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"

I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favour?" he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?"

He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm behind you on the 7th hole."

 

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THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A LEEDS GIRL

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

The first day he didn't see any results but the second day he saw it was better.

By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Leeds.

He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn cut, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table every day.

The first day he didn't see anything

The second day he didn't see anything either.

The third day, some of the swelling had gone down enough that he could see a little out of his left eye, his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich & load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he urinates.

 

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I never knew Shane Macgowan had a sister.

 

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You and Xpod are treading on very thin heavenly ice. There ain't no snow where you're gonna go.

 

Council complaints

1 ) My bush is really overgrown round the front , and my back passage has fungus growing in it ...
2 ) He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore ...
3 ) ... it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow ...
4 ) I want some repairs done to my cooker , as it has backfired and burnt my knob off ...
5 ) I wish to complain that
my father hurt his ankle very badly , then he put his foot in the large hole in his back passage ...
6 )...And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence ...
7 ) I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof ...
I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off ...
8 ) My lavatory seat is cracked , where do I stand .. ?
9 ) I am writing on behalf of my sink , which is coming away from the wall ...
10 ) Will you please send someone to mend the garden path ...! ?
My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday , and now she is pregnant ...
11 ) I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen ...
12 ) 50% of the walls are damp , 50% have crumbling plaster , and 50% are plain filthy ...
13 ) I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers ...
14 ) The toilet is blocked , and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared ...
15 ) Will you please send a man to look at my water ; it is a funny colour , and not fit to drink ...
16 ) Our lavatory seat is broken in half , and is now in three pieces ...
17 ) I want to complain about the farmer across the road ;
every morning at 6am , his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me ...
18 ) The man next door has a large erection in the back garden , which is unsightly and dangerous ...
19 ) Our kitchen floor is damp ... We have two children and would like a third , so please send someone round to do something about it ...
20 ) I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night ...
21) Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife ...
22 ) I have had the Clerk of Works down on the floor six times , but I still have no satisfaction ...
23 ) This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken , and we can't get BBC2 ...