Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

An elderly couple, both whose spouses had died, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
He sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered -
'Is that one word or two?'

 

The end of petrol and diesel cars in the UK was scheduled for 2030, that has now been brought forward to Friday!

 

There were three in the bed and the little one said 'what's that digging in my arse ?'

 

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The future of poker nights.

 

People are strange. I could hear some bloke playing with himself in the next toilet cubicle to me. Put me right off my sandwich!!

 

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
"You disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me . . . . a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce, NOW!"
The husband calmly replied "Hang on just a minute love. At least let me tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead" the wife sobbed, "but they will be the last words that you say to me!"
The husband began:
"Well, as I was getting into the car at work to drive home, this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so distressed, helpless and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car."
"She was very thin, not well dressed and dirty, and told me that she hadn't eaten for three days."
"Out of compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the pizza that I made for you last night but you wouldn’t eat because you're afraid that you'll put on weight. The poor thing ate it, ravenously."
"She was dirty so I suggested that she have a shower. Whilst showering, I noticed that her clothes were dirty and threadbare so I threw them away."
"I gave her those designer jeans that you’ve had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say that they are too tight."
"I gave her underwear . . . . the anniversary present that I gave you, but you don’t wear because you said that I don't have good taste."
"I gave her the sexy blouse that my sister gave you for Christmas, that you don’t wear just to annoy her. I also donated those boots that you bought at an expensive boutique but don’t wear because someone at work has the same pair."
The husband paused, took a quick breath and continued:
"She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please sir . . . . do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

 

Tories latest cunning plan

If women feel intimidated by a policeman they should flag down a bus or dial 999.

Could you imagine the outcry if Diane Abbott had said this?

 

Even if it deleted your old Percy as well