"Speak up Mrs Brown, you're through..."

I've always stood up for black people.

It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat.

 

So New York has built a 'Park in the sky' then?

Hope it works better than their 'Airport in a skyscraper' idea.

 

I reached my hands round my wife in bed last night and started groping at her breasts.

"Ooh," she giggled. "Trying to get lucky, are you?"

"Sure am," I replied. "But I haven't found a lump yet."

 

I thought my new girlfriend might be 'the one', she moved in with me recently but after looking through her clothes, I found a nurses outfit a french maid's outfit and a policewoman's uniform.

I can only conclude that she is unable to hold down a job.

 

Now that is funny

 

...

 

A prostitute goes to the Doctor for a check-up.

He reveals that she is pregnant!

"Congratulations! Do you know who the father is?"

She replied: "If you eat a tin of beans, do you know which one made you fart?."

 

McVities have just released a new biscuit range:

"Clitoris-Creams"

They guarantee; 'One lick and you'll wanna eat the box' (The ginger ones are an acquired taste!)

 

A teacher was talking about marriage in his class...

Teacher: "What kind of wife will you want Jimmy?"

Jimmy: "I want a wife who is like the moon"

Teacher: "Wow what a choice, do you want her to be calm and beautiful like the moon?"

Jimmy: "No sir, I want her to cum at night and **** off in the morning"

 

Medical fact for the day:

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chance of a stroke.

If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well.

 

I was showing my Doctor the rash on my cock today. He seemed pretty uncomfortable and didn't want to touch it.

He just told me to make an appointment at the surgery tomorrow and then walked off pushing his shopping trolley with his wife and kids.

 

Why did you bump this ****ty thread? It wasn't funny the first time

 

Toby, this thread is for jokes and amusing stuff - you are indeed a bad joke but nobody's laughing.

You do nothing but write negative **** and abuse people. That's it. It's all you do.

Now if you can't enter into the spirit of this thread, kindly leave taking your foul-mouthed abuse with you.

 

I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend just the other day - he was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You idiot! You were supposed to turn your clock back!"

 

i asked a welsh mate of mine how many sexual partners he has had. bizarrely, he started counting and fell asleep

 

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."