Years ago, I was doing an offshore survival course and the instructor asked the question "what steps would you take in the event of a fire" One of the lads on the course actually said "big, fast ones". It's always stuck in my mind that.
please log in to view this image additions..... is u is , i axe u, wot, no wot i meen, innit, wotcha, talk to da and, see ya,
Skunk's new sponsor for next year . Tampax .The company's manager said "to sponsor a bunch of c***s during a bad period is exactly what this company's all about ".
Fairy Godmother gives a man 1 wish. He asks if he can live forever. The fairy godmother tells him that's the one wish that fairies are not aloud to grant. The man thinks a while..... and then asks if he can die when Newcastle win the Champions League. The fairy goes ...."you crafty bastard"
A Hindu, a Jew and a Newcastle fan are trekking over the Brecon Beacons in mid winter. The night is drawing in and the weather is getting worse. Just as hypothermia starts to get a grip they see a light shining from a distant farmhouse. Our cold but intrepid hikers approach the house and wake the farmer. The farmer is more than happy to put them up for the night, but explains he only has 2 beds spare in the house, but one can sleep in the barn. The Hindu selflessly puts himself forward to sleep in the barn to allow his friends some home comforts, so they all retire to their resting places. 10 minutes later there's a knock on the farmers door. He opens the door to find the Hindu explaining "I cannot sleep in that barn, there is a cow in there - a sacred animal in my religion. I feel it would be travesty to my beliefs to sleep in a room where my religious icon also rests". Hearing this the Jew puts himself forward to change places with our Hindu friend. 10 minutes later, there's another knock on the door. The farmer goes to find the Jew extremely upset. The Jew explains "I cannot possibly sleep in that barn.... there is a pig in there. A pig is regarded as a dirty animal in my religion - I would never sleep with such an animal!" Fortunately the Skunks fan decides to change places so they can all settle down for the night. However, 10 minuted later there's yet another knock on the door. The farmer gets really pissed off and rushes to the door, opens it and finds the cow and pig standing there saying " You can **** right off if you think we are sleeping with a gravy stained skunk twat!!"
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
I told the missis that I kept getting a burning sensation in my arse and didn't know what it was. She said "ring sting" I said, what makes you think he'll ****ing know?
Later they sit down and start chatting and Paddy tells mik about his recent parachute jump, Mick says wot was it like ? Paddy says well ill tell you , as the plane got higher i started to bottle it a bit but when i was last to get to the door i really **** myself ! but the jump instructor was a huge black man and he said if you don't jump im gonna stick my 14 inch dick up your arse ! Mick says did you jump ? Paddy says " a little bit when it first went in "..