Two women chatting on the seat in front of me on the bus #1 My boyfriend has got terrible dandruff #2 Give him Head & Shoulders ---short pause---- #1 How do I give him Shoulders?
I think it's ridiculous that people are letting off fireworks in September. My cat was so scared he ran up the Christmas tree.
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” “The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out on a date. I know that you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He showed up at my house punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brought me such beautiful flowers ! Then outside, and what was there but a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he took me out for dinner, a marvellous dinner . . . . lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we went to see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much that I could have just died from pleasure! Then we came back to my house and he turned into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tore off my expensive new dress and had his way with me . . . . twice !" Dorothy: "Goodness gracious ! . . . . so you are telling me that I shouldn't go out with him ?" Edna: "No, no, no . . . . I'm just saying wear an old dress."
A doctor's toilet was blocked so he rang the plumber. The plumber said: "It's early hours of the morning can't it wait?" The doc said: "If you were ill I'd have to come out". The plumber said: "Fair enough" and called at the doc's house. He lifted the toilet seat and threw in two paracetamol and said "Give it a few days and if it's still the same give me a call".
At the end of their first date, a young man walks his girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I like you so much!!" "No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!" "Pleeeeease?..." Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"
A woman went to doctors’ office where she was seen by one of the new young doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. McKenzie is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?” The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t I?
Two guys playing golf. A hearse is passing bye. One of the men stops in mid swing, removes his hat and bows his head. His partner says that's the most compassionate gesture I've seen. Well said the other we were married for 35 years
