There was a story in the Sun yesterday about a man who died from the result of gluing his penis shut as a form of contraception. The headline was 'Sticky End!' Genius!
A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies. The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from West Virginia . This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentuckey huntin’ license, boy?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Kentucky hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Kentucky duck. This duck’s from Tennessee. You got an Tennessee license?” The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced an Tennessee license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said This ain’t no Tennessee duck. This here duck’s from Virginia. . You got a Virginia. huntin’ license?” Again the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia. hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the hillbilly “Just where the hell are you from? “The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said “You tell me, you’re the expert !!”
Greek taxi driver taking a couple for a tour of Mykanos. Ask him his name. You see all those white washed walls in the village, I paint them all, do they call me Stavros the painter, no. You see all the tiles on the roofs on those houses, I fit them all, do they call me Stavros the tiler, no You see all those shrubs in those gardens at those houses, I plant them, do they call me Stavros the gardener, no. But you just shagger the one goat.
Even though I've gone bald I still keep the comb I've had for the last 30 years. I just can't part with it.
I went on holiday a couple of years ago and my friend said will you bring me back 200 Cigarettes? I said Sure, no problem. When I got back I gave him a carton of 200 Cigs and said call it 98 quid don't worry about he pennies. . He said omg £98 f*cking quid? Where did you go on Holiday? I said, Blackpool
I just explained Google images to my mum. "Pick anything to search for" I told her. "What about a nice cream pie?" She asked. "Except that." I replied.
Couple on first night of their honeymoon. The groom comes down the stairs at 5 in the morning, carrying his fishing gear. The night porter, stops him and says, I hope you don't mind me saying sir, but first night of your honeymoon I wasn't expecting to see you with fishing gear, if you know what I mean. Oh no, we won't ne doing that, she has a real bad dose of the clap. Well sir, isn't anal all the rage these days. God no, she has terrible diarrhea. Well how about a blow job. No, she has herpes of the mouth. Well that just leaves a hand job sir. No not that either, she has real bad dermatitis and it's highly contagious. So then sir, can I ask why you married her. Yes......the maggots
