Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.""feck that" says Mick have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Dave woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely. A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part." Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, and when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.... I think they were Hovis Witnesses. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
I was eating a burger when a lady come by with a salad. She said you know that a cow died so you could eat that. I said if you weren't eating all its food it probably wouldn't have
A man walked into a fish and chip shop carrying a large fish under his arm. "Have you got any fish cakes?" he asked the man behind the counter. "No, mate, we haven't".' "That's a pity . . . . it's his birthday"
It's 1957 and Bob goes to pick up his date . . . . Peggy Sue's father invites him in. He asks Bob what they plan on doing. Bob politely responds that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in. Peggy Sue's father suggests, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear that all the kids are doing it." Bob is shocked. "Excuse me Sir?" "Oh yes, Peggy Sue really likes to screw . . . . she'd screw all night if we let her." Just then, Peggy Sue comes downstairs and announces that she is ready to go. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door and screams at her father . . . . "Dad! The Twist! It's called the Twist!"
A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher's shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it. He said that he'd provide her with free meat until the boy was 16, and she agreed. The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week once he was old enough, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know" said the butcher with a smile "I've been counting, too, but tell your mother that when you take this parcel of meat home, it is the last free meat that she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother, who nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him that I have also had free bread, milk, and groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
Meeting my wife in that club all these years ago was just a matter of pure chance. I was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time.
