Some say Prison doesn't do anyone any good, but it's cleared up Bill Cosby's eyesight and gammy leg, a treat.
In keeping with the attorney, from a trial where I was a juror: ———- Defence lawyer: do he had his hands on you. Where on your body? Accuser: on my thigh and on my chest. Lawyer: he didn’t have his hands anywhere else? Accuser: no sir, he’s only got 2 hands! ———- The judges face was a picture
A 79-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 79-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing ...' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the bloody jar open.'
skinny little guy gets into a lift. There is a man mountain already there. The little guy looks up at the big fella and just stares. The big fella looks down at him and says "Two and a half metres, 130 kilos, twenty centimetre cock and balls weigh two kilos, Turner-Brown". The little guy falls over in a dead feint. He comes to with the big man standing over him. "I'm sorry", he says. "I just answered all the questions that people usually ask me, my height, weight, personal details and my name is Turner-Brown". "Oh, thank God", says the liitle guy, "I thought you said turn around."
Proof that woman do things just to start an argument. The missus rang me at work today and said "I've not had time to start tea, do you fancy going out for some?" “Yeah that sounds good," I replied. When I got home from the restaurant there she was sat at the kitchen table with a face like thunder.
After bumping into David Attenborough earlier, I had to concede that my wife was right. The back garden grass really does need cutting.
