Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

My room mate thinks that I'm schizophrenic.

The joke's on him, though . . . . I don't have a room mate.

 

Nëwçæstlé edition.

 

While sitting in a bar with a couple of friends, the Scotsman says,
“As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place where the landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink for you.”

“Well,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”

“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you get laid, and it’s all on the house!”

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims but the Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, “Did this actually happen to you?”

“No, not to me personally,” admitted the Irishman, “but it happens to the wife all the time.”

The owld ones are usually the best

 

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An elderly man living alone in Milton Keynes wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Paul,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Paul.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, CID officers and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

 

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I could use one of those every time I go to the kitchen.

 

I came out of the dentist yesterday, walked past Boots and stopped.
I was definitely going to buy something in Boots.
Nope. Forgotten
Only when I got home I remembered. A toothbrush.

 

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Dozy tarts

 

Tried to post a vid, but didn't work.....

 

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