Watch out for the latest scam phone call. The caller says, You have won £1,000,000 or Tickets to an Elvis Presley tribute Concert. Just press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
I watched one of these getting filled up today at a local garage . https://www.autotrader.co.uk/car-details/202105293223160
Jesus at the last supper I will turn the bread into fish and the water into wine. Judas replied you put your bloody fiver in like the rest of us.
An local Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church in Dublin. “Father, it’s been almost a month now since my last confession…and I was intimate with Fanny Green three times in the last two weeks.” The priest told the sinner, “You are forgiven, now go and say three Hail Mary’s” Later that day another man entered the confessional “Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green four times a week for the past two months” This time, the priest questioned, “Who is this Fanny Green?” “A beautiful woman who has recently moved into the area father”, he replied. “Very well”, sighed the priest, “Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.” At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, long legged voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly walked up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, just enough for them to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, “My goodness, is that Fanny Green?” The awe struck altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, “No Father, I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes”
A man was visiting a small town in Ireland. He saw a hearse driving slowly along and walking behind it was a man with a large dog and behind him was another man in fact there were over fifty men and no women. The man goes up to the man with the dog and says Is this funeral for somebody important. No said the man with the dog Just my wife. The man said She must've really loved that dog to bring it to the funeral. No said the man with the dog Savaged her to death. The man said I don't suppose you would like to sell me that dog? The man with the dog replied Join the back of the que.
Another one of my jokes recycled on here I think I should get commission. Don't worry though Jasper it won't cost you much but No7 will have to pay a fortune
So I walked into Library at lunchtime and asked the lady if they have any books on paranoia She said "They're behind you"... (One of yours Marv? )
A milkman who is dying in the hospital is surrounded his two sons, daughter and his wife and nurse. Says to his eldest son: "To you, Peter, I leave the Beverly terrace." "To you, my dear daughter, I leave the apartments in the High Street Plaza." "To you, Charlie, being my youngest son with a large future, I leave the City Centre offices." "And you, my dear wife, the three residential buildings in down town." The nurse, impressed, tells his wife: "Madam, your husband is very rich. He is bequeathing many properties! You all are so lucky!!" And the wife retorts: "Rich? Lucky?? Are you kidding??!! Those are his routes where he delivers milk!"
I can't believe you would say that after I tried to stick up for you the other day. Someone said you were a f**king idiot but I couldn't find a single argument against it but I did try
A man walks into a pub and orders a pint of bitter. 1p said the barman. That's cheap said the man. How much is it for a double whiskey? 2p said the barman. Man said I'll have a double whiskey. How much is it for Steak and chips? 2p said the Barman. The man said I can't believe how cheap your prices are are you the owner? The barman said no he is upstairs with my wife. The man said What is he doing upstairs with your wife? The Barman said The same thing I'm doing to his Business
Once upon a time in the Caribbean... Two prawns were swimming around. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area. Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have to worry about being eaten all the time." As he said this, a large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted!" And believe it or not, with that Justin turned into a fearsome shark. Kristian was horrified and so immediately swam away as he was scared of being eaten by his old friend. As time went by, Justin found his new life as a shark to be boring and lonely. None of his old friends would let him get near them as they thought he would eat them and so they just swam away whenever he approached. It took a while, but eventually Justin realised that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. Then one day he was swimming all alone as usual when he saw the mysterious cod again. He thought it'd be better if he could go back to his old life so he swam to the cod and begged to be changed back. The cod worked his magic and suddenly Justin was a prawn once more. With tears of joy streaming down his cheeks Justin swam straight to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, the happy memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "Kristian, it's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again." Kristian replied, "No way! You're a shark now and you'll just eat me. I'm not being tricked into being your dinner." Justin shouted back "No, I'm not a shark any more. That was the old me. I've changed... I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Kristian."
