Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

When I was a little boy, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn't work that way . . . . so I just stole one and asked him to forgive me

 

12 OF THE FINEST

(unintentional) DOUBLE-ENTENDRES ever aired on

British TV and radio:

1 Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of
the Oxford crew.'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob,
where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE
have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were
laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night
like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports':
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only
come in his shorts.'

12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.

 

Number 3 for me. Sensational.

 

Yup.

 

I have this condition where I can't listen to Jazz music. It's called having ears.

 

He looks nothing like the queen.

 

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An undercover cop called at my farm in rural Dorset yesterday evening...

“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.

“By all means officer, but don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.

The cop exploded “Do you know who the **** I am? I have the authority of the government with me!” he said before pulling a badge out of his back pocket. “Do you see this ****ing badge? This badge means that I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the **** I want. Have I made myself clear?”

I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.

I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,

“Your badge . . . . show him your ****ing badge!”

 

With immediate effect, Black pudding is now to be renamed Lancashire Sushi.

 

No one likes jazz, not even people who claim they love it ...

... they're just glad something can drown out their tinnitus.

 

Yeah... I would say I like lots of kinds of music eg love rock, classical, blues and some country (not banjos) 3 chords and the truth sort of thing. Too old for hip hop!

I have tried jazz, but Billie Holliday or some Nina Simone , closest I have come to enjoying it!