Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

I went for a self-defence class last night.
The instructor said, "I want you to take me by surprise and attack me".....
So, when I saw him in Sainsbury's the next day, I threw a tin of beans at his head..

 

"Your dog has been barking for the last 3 f*cking hours!" I said to my neighbour this morning. "I've got a serious hangover and I'm trying to get some sleep!"
"It would probably help if you got out of his kennel!" she replied.

 

Reminds me of the time I heard shouting outside my back door that went on for ages. It was just "Mark," over and over. That's not my name so I ignored it all. It was driving me mad so I eventually went out and found it was just a harelipped dog

 

Dear Deidre. Please help me. My sexy 20 year old neighbour was sunbathing the other day. I took the chance to peek out of our bathroom window and have a cheeky ****. As I finished I turned around and my wife was standing there arms folded watching me.

Is my wife a pervert?

 

Just finished a book about shipbuilding on the Wear ...

... riveting.

 

The Pope was having a shower. Although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally needed to exercise the papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air. "Hold on a minute!" said the Pope, You can't do that - you'll destroy the reputation of the Church!". "This is my lottery win", said the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for life with these photos!" So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation they eventually settled on a figure of $2,000,000. The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, "That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera . . . . how much did it cost you?" Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, "Two million Dollars.."
"TWO MILLION Dollars!" replied the housekeeper "they must have seen you coming" !

 

Reminds me of the bloke who looked over his fence and saw his neighbours wife sunbathing nude.
He got prosecuted for being a peeping tom.
Two weeks later he was sunbathing nude and his neighbours wife looked over the fence.
He got prosecuted for exposure.

 

Apparently her partner got a letter back from a tv show saying "you misunderstood, this show is
Fact Hunt".

 

Me and my Mrs were just talking about this very thing.

 

wtf is all that about