I go out for a few hours and when I come home and look at the board you’re all behaving like The Lord of the Flies. It’s ****ing embarrassing!
Two accountants go to their local bank during their lunch break. They’re both standing in line when suddenly four masked and armed robbers burst in through the door. One of the robbers yells, “Don’t anyone move. We’ve got guns and we’ll use them. Cooperate and you won’t get hurt.” Two of the robbers then go to the counter with four very large but empty leather bags and one says to the tellers, “Fill these bags with cash and be quick about it.” While the tellers nervously fill the bags with cash, the other two robbers line all the customers, including the two accountants, up against a wall. One robber walks along the line waving his gun menacingly in their faces and he shouts, “Right I want your wallets, your cash, your watches, and any other valuables you’ve got and I want them all now. And if you don’t give me everything you’ve got I’ll shoot you dead!” As this is all going on one accountant stuffs something into the hand of his colleague. Without looking down, his colleague whispers, “What’s this?“ The accountant whispers back, “It’s that £50 I owe you.“
The hospital's consulting dietician was giving a lecture to several community nurses from Southampton. “The rubbish we put into our stomachs and consume should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is terrible. Fizzy drinks attack your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with msg. Vegetables can be disastrous because of fertilisers and pesticides and none of us realises the long-term damage being done by the rotten bacteria in our drinking water. However, there is one food that is incredibly dangerous and we all have, or will, eat it at some time in our lives. Now, is anyone here able to tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?” A 65-year-old nursing sister sitting in the front row stood up and said, ‘Wedding cake.'
