The barnsley joke page

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Just found an old B&W photo of my Dad's mobile phone being delivered ...

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I got chatting to this woman at the bus-stop this morning and she told me that people call her Vivaldi.

I asked her: “Is that because you’re a brilliant violinist?" She said: “No, it’s because my name is Viv and I work at Aldi.“

 

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".
Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".
St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".
"Never" replies Brian
"Well just relax and let it happen"
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting ....
"Brian, wake up you drunken b*stard, you're shi*ting the bed"

 

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An Elderly Irish lady visits her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.
What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor.
Not a chance” she replied. “He won’t even take an aspirin.
Not a problem,” said the doctor. “Give him an Irish Viagra.
What on Earth is Irish Viagra?” she asked.
It’s Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee. He won’t even taste it.
Let me know how it goes,” he said. She called the doctor the very next afternoon.
How did it go?” he asked.
Oh Jesus Doctor, it was terrible. Just horrid, I tell ya! I’m beside myself!
Oh, no! What in the world happened?” asked the doctor
Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised.
I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it.
Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging.
Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room ripped my clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table. T’was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!
Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Wasn’t the sex good?
Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I’ve had in me last 25 years, but sure as I’m sittin’ here, Doctor… I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!

 

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets, and escalators; and the Engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls and asks Satan, "So, how are things going down there?"
Satan says, “Why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next!"
God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's clearly a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here immediately!!"
Satan says, "No way, I really like having an Engineer on the staff. I’m keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you."
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a Lawyer?

 

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