The barnsley joke page

The Park Ranger had been trying to catch a guy for illegal crayfish poaching, so he hid behind a bush and waited. Along came the guy and soon after he pulled a crayfish from the billabong.
The Ranger jumped out and said “Okay Billy I am arresting you for stealing crayfish“
Billy said “I didn't steal any crayfish, he's my pet and I bring him here for five minutes swimming lessons and I can prove it.”
“Okay “, said the Ranger “prove it.“
Billy put the crayfish back in the water and after five minutes the Ranger said “Okay, where is he? “
Billy said, “Where's who?”

 

I arrived early at the local restaurant last night.
The manager said: “Do you mind waiting for a bit?”
I said: “That’s fine”.
He said: “Good, take these drinks to table 7”…

 

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I got chatting with a girl in a bar last night,
"Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out."

 

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Dave and Pete were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft engineers in Darwin, Australia .
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Pete says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Pete.
Pete says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Pete says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'
' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?'
'No.'
'Well, DON’T - 'cause I'm in New Zealand '

 

Judge: “Where do you work?”
Defendant: “Here and there.”
Judge: “What do you do for a living?”
Defendant: “This and that.”
Judge: “Take him away and lock him up.”
Defendant: “Wait; when will I get out?”
Judge: “Sooner or later.”

 

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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep

 

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.
He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”
The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me tell you sumsing, lady I vasn’t staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from.”
The drunk woman giggled and responded, “Well, if you’re not staring at my boobs or ass, Sweetie, what are you doing then?”
He paused a moment, then told her…”Vell, M’am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, ‘Vair in DA hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?”

 

I was in my garden this morning and the neighbour looked over the fence and said.. “What are you doing?”
“I'm putting all my plants in alphabetical order...”
She replied “Really? I don't know how you find the time..!”
"Oh that's easy" I said, “Its right next to the sage.”

 

My Grandad turns 92 tomorrow. At the age of 75 he started to walk 5 miles per day.

We have no idea where he is now !

 

Went to a Cannibal wedding on Saturday.

It was all going well.......until they decided to toast the Bride and Groom.

 

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