Jokes

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A teacher asks her class what their parents do for a living.
Mary says, "My dad's a doctor." The teacher says, "That's great, can you spell doctor?"
"Yes, miss," replies Mary, "it's D-O-C-T-O-R."
"Well done," says the teacher, "Who's next?"
Billy puts his hand up and says, "My dad is in the police and he's a constable."
"That's very good, Billy," says the teacher. "Can you spell constable?"
"Yes, miss, it's C-U-N ..." at which point the teacher interrupts and says "No, Billy, try again."
"OK, miss, it's C-U-N ..." at which point the teacher jumps in again and says to Billy, "Not quite, why don't you practice in your spelling book and we'll come back to you in a minute? Right, who's next?"
"My dad works as a bookie, miss," says little Johnny.
"Oh," replies the teacher. "Can you spell bookie?"
To which little Johnny replies, "No, miss, but I'll give you 5/4 on that Billy writes c*nt in that book.

 

Contrary to best medical practises, Ryan Giggs’ wife received both of her jabs on the same night.

 

What's the difference between a dog and a fox.

Usually about 8 pints.

 

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

 

Arsenal and scum are subject to takeover bids from club legends. Arsenal includes Henry. Bergkamp. and Vieira. And scum includes Mike Riley, Graham Poll And Howard Webb.

 

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Tobes

 

i was thinking the same myself when posting

 

Dave and Pete were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft engineers in Darwin, Australia .
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Pete says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.
Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Pete.
Pete says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Pete says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'
' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?'
'No.'
'Well, DON’T - 'cause I'm in New Zealand '

 

I asked my wife what women really want and she said "attentive lovers."
It may have been, "a tent of lovers" I wasn't really paying attention.

 

Lmao

 

****ting on the opposition. now he pisses all over them

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The FL have announced there will be matches played Saturday, Sunday, Monday Tuesday, Thursday and Friday but definitely no Wednesday games in the Championship next season.

 

Took a while but eventually got there