Off Topic The Goodhand Arms

Many Thanks FLT. Very much appreciated!!

 

Goodness knows what people will think if they look at the names on there:

Fats
There is only one no7
Schrodingers cat

 

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Help, help I’m being repressed- Monty Python.

 

Came across this , thought I would share it with you


(2928) Interview Nightmare ~ Bob Newhart ~ (should have read his book!) - YouTube

 

Dave was bragging to his boss one day

“You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?” “No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts, “Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”

Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says. “President Trump” his boss quickly retorts. “Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go.

At the White House, Trump spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but let’s have a game of golf and catch up.” Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

“Pope Francis,” his boss replies. “Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.”

He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”

His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who the heck is that on the balcony with Dave?’

 

Bob Newhart played Professor Proton on Big Bang Theory. Still a master of timing.

 

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar
followed by Batman...

 

Done right back in lockdown one! Come on bro... you laughed at it then and carried on with other chemical jokes

 

I am getting old... I vaguely remember it now lol

 

He's robin you of your joke

 

Britain's Got Talent auditions:

Simon Cowell: "what's your act?"

"We're footballers Lionel Messi and Stefan Kuntz, and today we are going to have a mud fight"

Simon: "OK, what's your act called?"

"Lionel and Stefan"

 

Been married 17 years today. Mrs j is my soul mate ❤.

We are having his and hers hygienist and Dental appointments this morning . How's that for romantic

 

Happy anniversary, mate! Enjoy your appointments, you old romantics, you!

 

Happy Anniversary, have a lovely day at the dentists!

 

All best for the next 17 Jas. I've left my dentist appointment a bit too long. Should get a discount next vist.

 

That reminds me, did I tell you my amnesia joke?

 

I had a day off today so thought I would help about the house......

Me: "I think I'll open this drawer."

Potato masher: "The f**k you will."

 

It's April and it's snowing hard!

 

“Sometimes it snows in April....”


Courtesy of the Legend that is Prince. One of my favourite tracks.