A three-legged dog walks into an Old West saloon, goes up to the bar, puts his Stetson on a stool and lays his Colt 45 on the bar, he turns to the crowd and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"
I was asked to do a presentation at work so I got all my material together and revised my speech but come the big day on stage I froze up. I then remembered advice a friend once gave me that if you ever get nervous speaking in public try to imagine the audience in the nude to break the tension. This worked a treat however the thought of the audience with no clothes on gave me a pronounced and unavoidably noticeable hard on. I carried on regardless of the pointing fingers and giggles from the crowd until the presentation was over. Safe to say I won't be asked to take school assembly again.
I didn't think that my uncle liked me but apparently he has left me a large building in his will. Does anyone know where Sod Hall is ?
A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?” “Of course you may. What can I do for you?” “Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid that they’ll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?” “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.” “With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.” When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?” “From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” The Officer thought this answer strange, so he asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?” “I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.” Roaring with laughter, the Officer said, “God bless you, Father, go ahead.”
So I was working on a building site and the delivery driver said, 'Why won't you sign for these elevators?' I said 'I'm not allowed to accept lifts off strangers'.
I tried donating blood this morning. Never again. So many questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?
