I once chatted to a thick cockney lass in the nightclub - I asked if she would show me her monkey the daft bugger pulled £500 out of her handbag
Not getting enough steps in during the bad weather? Simply walk around the house after the wife and kids turning the f*cking lights off.
I tried to log in on my iPad. Turns out it was an Etch A Sketch and I don't own an iPad. Also, I'm out of vodka.