A couple meet at a speed dating venue. The guy says, "how about we skip all the formalities and just get married". She replied, "but we dont know each other" "No problem" he says, "we'll get to know each other over time". She says "do you know what, I've got nothing to lose lets go for it" So they get married and jet off to the Caribbean for their honeymoon. On the first day they are lounging by the pool when the guy suddenly gets up, walks to the deep end of the pool and climbs to the very highest diving board. He dives off, performs a triple somersault and enters the water like a knife. "Wow"she says "that was some dive". "Yes" he says " I was an Olympic diver and have three gold medals. See, I told you we would get to know each other as we went along". With that she gets up, dives into the pool and does fifty lengths, returns to the sun lounger and not even breathing heavily. "Wow" he says, "were you an Olympic endurance swimmer". "No" she replied, "I was a prostitute in Newcastle but I worked both sides of the Tyne"
I've been offered a job making plastic Draculas. There will only be two of us on the production line so I have to make every second count.
Old Tom and Elsie were in the cinema. Tom was fussing and fidgeting, Elsie asks "Whats wrong with you? Stop messing! Tom replies "I've dropped a caramel and I think its gone under the seat" "Well, leave it! It will be covered in dust and fluff" I would, but my dentures are stuck in it!"
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her stammerer's action group, with an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?" The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said. "That's no use, George," said the speech therapist, "who's next?" The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley". “That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy?” The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out "London". “Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise. After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said.."-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry...".