Breaking News: The whole of Cornwall has been placed into tier 4 lockdown after hundreds of pirates returned home to Penzance to celebrate Christmas with their families. Apparently the Arrrrr rate has increased dramatically.
Didleys Weather Forecast for Christmas Day. Morning - Church Service to be dry............. Sherry. Lunch - Should see the beers start to rain down. Dinner - A light downpour of Tawny Port and a wind shift to the south becoming a Category 3 event
A drunk goes into a bar. "Drinks for everyone, and one for you too." he says to the bartender. The bartender serves everyone, including himself. "That'll be £76, please." I don't have any money." says the drunk. The bartender takes him outside and beats him up. The next day the drunk comes back. "Drinks for everyone, including the bartender." The bartender thinks to himself, he wouldn't be so stupid to do the same thing again - he must have money this time, so he serves the drinks. But when he asks him to pay, the drunk tells him that he doesn't have any money again. The bartender takes him outside and gives him a savage beating. The next night, the same drunk comes in and tells the bartender to get a drink for everyone. "And not one for me tonight?" asks the bartender. "Nah," says the drunk. "You get violent when you drink."
A Jewish girl flagged down a cab after drunken night out in town. All too late she realised the driver was heading in the wrong direction, & was driving down a dark country lane into the woods. He stopped the car, then jumped in the back seat, pulling at the girls clothes frantically. "Stop, stop!" she screamed. "Don't worry love, I just want a bit of fun, I ain't going to hurt you" he explained. "No, it's not that, could you turn the meter off first?" she replied.
