Off Topic Jokes thread

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If there's one rule I've insisted on with the wife is that she's never allowed to look inside my safe but being a typical woman she couldn't obey a simple instruction and yesterday she came storming up to me and said "I've just seen inside your safe and you have got some explaining to do! There was £10,000 in cash and three eggs in there, what on earth have you been doing?!"

I said "Well, I've got a confession to make. Since we've been married I've been unfaithful to you and each time I've slept with someone else I've put an egg in the safe"

She thought for a while and to my surprise said "Well, I suppose after 30 years of marriage three eggs isn't so bad but where did you get the ten grand from?"

I said "Well, when I get enough eggs I sell them down the farmers market for a pound a dozen"

 

I said to the Missus I've got a Problem.
She replied "No Babe We have a Problem.
We are a couple, we're a Unit"...
Your problem is my problem.
We are in this together
"Over whelmed with relief,
I said.... "Well it's hardly worth mentioning now"
but She was insistent on knowing,
"Darling please what is the problem??....."
" WE'VE got your sister pregnant.

 

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Jake went to the doctor and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect:
The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he was willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into his 'old fella'.
Jake thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result Jake planned a romantic evening with his wife Mary and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful.
To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.
Mary was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said. "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"
With tears in his eyes he replied. "I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse"

 

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