This whole Harry Maguire thing is getting out of hand now. Greek police set bail at €5000. Man Utd offered €3000 plus Lingard......
These are one-liners, just a lot of them............. These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!) __________________________________________________ Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ). A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. __________________________________________________ Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA ) A: Depends how much you've been drinking. __________________________________________________ Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden ) A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. __________________________________________________ Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK ) A: What did your last slave die of? __________________________________________________ Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA ) A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked. __________________________________________________ Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA ) A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. _________________________________________________ Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK ) A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do... __________________________________________________ Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA ) A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked. __________________________________________________ Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK ) A: Let me guess, you’re a British politician, right? __________________________________________________ Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany ) A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal. __________________________________________________ Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA ) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. __________________________________________________ Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of a bear and lives in trees. ( USA ) A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking. __________________________________________________ Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA ) A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather. __________________________________________________ Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France ) A: Only at Christmas. __________________________________________________ Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA ) A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
After landing my new job as an Asda greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. Here’s what happened: About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, chavy woman walked into the store along with her two kids, shouting and swearing at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Asda." I then said, "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The ugly chav woman stopped swearing long enough to say, "Don't be bloody stupid. Of course they aren't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one' s 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone bonked you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Asda." My Supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
A bloke goes to the council to apply for a job in the office. The interviewer asks him,"Are you allergic to anything"? He replies, "Yes caffeine." "Have you ever worked for the public service before." "Yes I was in the army"he says,I was in Iraq for two tours." The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment. Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says "Yes,a mine exploded next to me when I was there and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says,"O.K. You've got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.......but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am-and carry on starting at 10.00am everyday." The bloke is puzzled and asks."If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm ,why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special treatment y'know." "What you have to understand is that this is a council job,"the interviewer says, "For the first two hours,we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.There's no point coming in for that."
I keep switching the wrappers on my wifes chocolate bars just to wind her up. She hates getting her snickers in a twix.....
