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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9321
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 20, 2020
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9322
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 20, 2020
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9323
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 20, 2020
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9324
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 20, 2020
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9325
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 20, 2020
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9326
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 20, 2020
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  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    An assistant to Donald Trump told him she had a fantastic dream last night.
    There was a huge parade down Pennsylvania Avenue celebrating Trump.
    Millions lined the parade route, cheering when the President went past.
    Bands were playing; children were throwing confetti into the air; there were balloons everywhere.
    It was absolutely the BIGGEST CELEBRATION WASHINGTON HAD EVER SEEN!!!
    Trump was very impressed and said, "That's really great!
    By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair okay?"
    His assistant said, "I couldn't tell, the lid on your coffin was closed."
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    #9327
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 20, 2020
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I haven’t wasted my time during lockdown. I’ve learnt how to write hello in Mandarin.....

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    #9328
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 21, 2020
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9329
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 21, 2020
    Makemstine Roger, Gordon Armstrong, San Diego and 1 other person like this.
  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9330
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 21, 2020
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  11. Didley Squat

    Didley Squat Well-Known Member

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    Harry Maguire has ask for a release from Man U so he can make his move to Greece, permanent.
     
    #9331
    Didley Squat, Aug 21, 2020
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  12. Wooperts_duck

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    #9332
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 22, 2020
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  13. Wooperts_duck

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    A Cadbury’s lorry has just overturned and spilled it’s load all over the place.

    The roads are chocablock.
     
    #9333
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 22, 2020
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The wife's on about leaving me because of my British Comedy obsession.

    What a carry on.
     
    #9334
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 22, 2020
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9335
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 22, 2020
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9336
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 23, 2020
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    This whole Harry Maguire thing is getting out of hand now.

    Greek police set bail at €5000. Man Utd offered €3000 plus Lingard......
     
    #9337
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 23, 2020
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9338
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 23, 2020
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    These are one-liners, just a lot of them.............
    These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
    __________________________________________________
    Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
    A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
    __________________________________________________
    Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
    A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
    __________________________________________________
    Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden )
    A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
    __________________________________________________
    Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )
    A: What did your last slave die of?
    __________________________________________________
    Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
    A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
    Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
    __________________________________________________
    Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )
    A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
    _________________________________________________
    Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
    A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
    __________________________________________________
    Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
    A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
    __________________________________________________
    Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
    A: Let me guess, you’re a British politician, right?
    __________________________________________________
    Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany )
    A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
    __________________________________________________
    Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
    A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
    __________________________________________________
    Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of a bear and lives in trees. ( USA )
    A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
    __________________________________________________
    Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
    A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
    __________________________________________________
    Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
    A: Only at Christmas.
    __________________________________________________
    Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
    A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
     
    #9339
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 23, 2020
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9340
    Wooperts_duck, Aug 23, 2020
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: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

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