I've just heard that a guy has collapsed on the London Eye today. Paramedics on the scene say he's coming around slowly.
A little old man totters into a chemist 4 sum viagra. "I need them cut in quarters" he says. The chemist replies.. "a quarter tablet will not give you much of a hard on. The old man says "I'm 96 & don't have much use for a hard on, i just want it sticking out far enough to stop me pissing on me slippers"
"You can tune a piano" joke. A guy says to his friend, "I can't remember if the doctor told me my wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's.". His friend says, "It's simple. Drive her to the other side of town. If she finds her way home, don't **** her.". If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
Guy dies and ends up in an afterlife vestibule. There are two doors there and a guide sitting at a small desk. The guide asks him whether he wants to go to heaven or hell. “I did not realize I had a choice,” the guy says, “ can I see hell first?” “Sure,” the guide says, opens a door and lets the guy see. Inside he sees people gambling, dancing, drinking alcohol, smoking, having random sex, all having a good time. The guy scratches his head and says, “wow, can I see heaven?” The guide closes the hell door and lets the guy peak into heaven behind the other door. The guy sees a quiet park with people reading books on benches and nothing else happening. He thinks for a minute and giddily says, “well, if it’s for eternity I’ll take hell! Looks like a lot more fun!” The guide lets him into hell and closes the door. The guy is immediately tied up naked on a rotisserie and starts being slowly cooked over a fire. In agonizing pain he screams at the devil turning the rotisserie, “it was all sex, and alcohol when they showed me! What happened?” The devil replied, “that’s the difference between tourists and permanent residents.”
Osama Bin Laden's afterlife... After he was killed by Seal Team Six, Osama Bin Laden immediately found himself in a large room filled with fat middle aged men wearing strange costumes. As he looked around he saw a gigantic sign that said "Welcome fellow Trekies." Confused by his surroundings, Osama wanted to get out of the room, only to face Muhhammed himself, blocking the door. "This is not the paradise I was promised in the Quoran." "Yes it is...where did you expect I'd find you 72 virgins?"
Started my new job as a Bus Driver today,This Big Busty Blonde got on and said are you going to Oldham ? Back at the job centre tomorrow
Plane crashes and a bloke ends up washing up on a desert island with a pig and a dog. After a few days hes gets horny and decides to try and mount the pig. As he goes to take down his trousers the dog starts to get aggressive towards him so he thinks **** it and pulls his pants back up. A few more days pass and he gets even more horny and tries to give the pig another go but the dog gets aggressive again. A fews weeks pass and the bloke looks into the ocean and sees a woman screaming for help, he swims out and brings ger to safety. She says to him ‘how can i repay you, ill do anything, anything at all you name it ill do it’ he replies.. ‘you couldnt take that ****ing dog for a walk for 10 minutes could ya’
I went to a new restaurant the other day called Karma. They had no menus, I just got what I deserved.
