Off Topic Jokes thread

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So we're into our 5th month of defeating COVID-19. These words made me laugh. But there's a lot of truth mixed in to consider. .
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1. So let me get this straight, there’s no cure for a virus that can be killed by sanitizer and hand soap?
2. Is it too early to put up the Christmas tree yet? I have run out of things to do.
3. When this virus thing is over, I still want some of you to stay away from me.
4. If these last months have taught us anything, it’s that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet.
5. Just wait a second – so what you're telling me is that my chance of surviving all this is directly linked to the common sense of others? You’re kidding, right?
6. If you believe all this will end and we will get back to normal just because we reopen everything, raise your hand. Now slap yourself with it.
7. Another Saturday night in the house and I just realized the trash goes out more than me.
8. Whoever decided a pub is more essential than a hair salon is obviously a bald-headed alcoholic.
9. Remember when you were little and all your underwear had the days of the week on them. Those would be helpful right now.
10. The spread of Covid-19 is based on two factors: 1. How dense the population is and 2. How dense the population is.
11. Remember all those times when you wished the weekend would last forever? Well, wish granted. Happy now?
12. It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a whole vineyard to home school one.
13. Did a big load of pajamas so I would have enough clean work clothes for this week.
14. Watching pigeons is funny. The males are always trying to get lucky.

 

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An Irish daughter had not been home for over ten years: Upon her return, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us?
Not even a line.
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"
The girl, crying, replied. (Sniff, sniff) "Dad, I was too embarrassed, I became a prostitute!"
"Ye what?
Get out of here, ye shameless hussy!
Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."
"OK, Daddy, as ye wish.
I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, a title deed to a eight bedroom mansion plus a $5 million check.
For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex.
And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club.
She takes a breath and continues and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean!"
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" Says Daddy.
Girl, crying again says. (Sniff, sniff) "A prostitute Daddy!"
"Oh Be Jesus!
Ye scared me half to death girl.

I thought ye said a PROTESTANT.