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The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

  1. Didley Squat

    Didley Squat Well-Known Member

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    Gotta get me one of these!!!
    ED656C02-A4B8-40B8-8B14-77AD04F7B011.jpeg
     
    #9201
  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  4. Taffvalerowdy

    Taffvalerowdy Well-Known Member

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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.
     
    #9205
    Makemstine Roger and San Diego like this.
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    So what if I don't know what apocalypse means!?

    It's not the end of the world!
     
    #9206
    Makemstine Roger and San Diego like this.
  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a whore house. They witnessed a Protestant Minister lurking about, then ducking into the house.
    "Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place". They both shook their heads and continued working.
    A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking.
    "Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief, "Is nothing holy to those Jewish Rabbis? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. 'Tis a shame, I tell ya".
    Not much later a third man, a Catholic Priest, was lurking about the house, looking around to see if anyone was watching, then quietly sneaking in.
    "Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap, "One of the poor girls musta died...."
     
    #9210
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A bloke is sitting in the bar at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him. He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.

    So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly . He leans across to her and says the Delta Airline motto: "We love to fly and it shows".

    The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: "Winning the hearts of the world". Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

    Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: "Going beyond expectations".

    The woman looks at him sternly and says: "What the f**k do you want?"

    "Ah!" he says, sitting back with a smile on his face... Ryanair!
     
    #9211
  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The Germans are getting worried about Covid-19.

    They are putting their towels on hospital beds.
     
    #9212
  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9214
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Wife has just told me she has broken the satnav and wants £150 for a new one.

    She can get lost....
     
    #9216
  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9217
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9218
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    So we're into our 5th month of defeating COVID-19. These words made me laugh. But there's a lot of truth mixed in to consider. . .

    1. So let me get this straight, there’s no cure for a virus that can be killed by sanitizer and hand soap?
    2. Is it too early to put up the Christmas tree yet? I have run out of things to do.
    3. When this virus thing is over, I still want some of you to stay away from me.
    4. If these last months have taught us anything, it’s that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet.
    5. Just wait a second – so what you're telling me is that my chance of surviving all this is directly linked to the common sense of others? You’re kidding, right?
    6. If you believe all this will end and we will get back to normal just because we reopen everything, raise your hand. Now slap yourself with it.
    7. Another Saturday night in the house and I just realized the trash goes out more than me.
    8. Whoever decided a pub is more essential than a hair salon is obviously a bald-headed alcoholic.
    9. Remember when you were little and all your underwear had the days of the week on them. Those would be helpful right now.
    10. The spread of Covid-19 is based on two factors: 1. How dense the population is and 2. How dense the population is.
    11. Remember all those times when you wished the weekend would last forever? Well, wish granted. Happy now?
    12. It may take a village to raise a child, but I swear it’s going to take a whole vineyard to home school one.
    13. Did a big load of pajamas so I would have enough clean work clothes for this week.
    14. Watching pigeons is funny. The males are always trying to get lucky.
     
    #9219
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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