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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #15181
    antipodean exile, Jul 28, 2020
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  2. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #15182
    antipodean exile, Jul 28, 2020
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I went to a new restaurant the other day called Karma. They had no menus, I just got what I deserved.
     
    #15183
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 28, 2020
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  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
    The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.
    At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”
    The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”
    As they left, the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman? How’d you come to the diagnosis so quickly?”
    “I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the bin. That was what probably was making her sick.”
    The younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”
    Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn’t have the energy she once did and said, “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”
    “You’ve probably been doing too much for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”
    As they left, the elder doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is most certainly correct, she’s very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?”
    “I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed
     
    #15184
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 28, 2020
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  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #15185
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 28, 2020
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  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #15186
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 28, 2020
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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #15187
    antipodean exile, Jul 29, 2020
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  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #15188
    antipodean exile, Jul 29, 2020
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  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #15189
    antipodean exile, Jul 29, 2020
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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Only in Australia.
    The Northern Territory latest winter release - strange in a place where the daytime
    Winter temperature doesn't drop below 30 Degrees.
     
    #15190
    antipodean exile, Jul 29, 2020
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  11. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    A young artist exhibits his work for the first time...
    ... and a well known art critic is in attendance.

    The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?"

    "Yes, " says the artist.

    "It's worthless," says the critic

    The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
     
    #15191
    antipodean exile, Jul 29, 2020
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  12. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.
    There's a lot to do in Chicago.
     
    #15192
    antipodean exile, Jul 29, 2020
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  13. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    All these people are so quick to criticize Melania Trump for wanting to take on cyber bullying when that's something her husband has a problem with
    But no one criticized Laura Bush for wanting to teach kids how to read
     
    #15193
    antipodean exile, Jul 29, 2020
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  14. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    I was gonna comment on this weird thing my dog does where no matter how badly he has to go, he always waits until he gets to the exact same spot to go to the bathroom.
    But then I realized I do the same thing, so who am I to criticize
     
    #15194
    antipodean exile, Jul 29, 2020
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  15. devonFRATTONiser

    devonFRATTONiser Well-Known Member
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    I was invited to a dinner where they cook a whole male sheep

    I declined the as I feared for the ramifications
     
    #15195
    devonFRATTONiser, Jul 29, 2020
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #15196
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 29, 2020
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #15197
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 29, 2020
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #15198
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 29, 2020
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #15199
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 29, 2020
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Paddy's Wife cones home from her Doctor's Appointment and Paddy asks her how she got on...
    "Oh I done well" she said, "the Dr told me I had a lovely Vagina"
    Paddy was furious at this, and walked down to the Doctor's Surgery, in a pure rage he demands to see his Wife's GP... After about 10 mins the Dr comes out and says...
    "Whats the meaning of this outrage Paddy?"
    Paddy storms at the GP and says
    "Whats this I hear about you telling my Wife she has a lovely vagina??"
    The Doctor was shocked at this! and turned to Paddy and said...
    "I did not say that! I told your Wife she had Acute Angina!"
     
    #15200
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 29, 2020
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