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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #15121
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 23, 2020
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #15122
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 23, 2020
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #15123
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 23, 2020
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  4. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #15124
    antipodean exile, Jul 24, 2020
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  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #15125
    antipodean exile, Jul 24, 2020
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  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #15126
    antipodean exile, Jul 24, 2020
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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #15127
    antipodean exile, Jul 24, 2020
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  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #15128
    antipodean exile, Jul 24, 2020
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  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    Man walks into a Glasgow pub and asks for a pint of lager with a dash of lime.

    "We don’t do cocktails," replies the barman."
     
    #15129
    antipodean exile, Jul 24, 2020
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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    "Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now!
    Alcoholic and a racist!"
     
    #15130
    antipodean exile, Jul 24, 2020
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  11. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    "I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet.
    You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home"
     
    #15131
    antipodean exile, Jul 24, 2020
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  12. devonFRATTONiser

    devonFRATTONiser Well-Known Member
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    Quiz Master: What state was President Kennedy in when he was shot?

    Contestant: Well he was in a right state wasn't he - he bloody died!
     
    #15132
    devonFRATTONiser, Jul 24, 2020
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  13. devonFRATTONiser

    devonFRATTONiser Well-Known Member
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    When's the best time to go to the dentist?


    Tooth-hurtie!
     
    #15133
    devonFRATTONiser, Jul 24, 2020
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #15134
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 24, 2020
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #15135
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 24, 2020
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #15136
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 24, 2020
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  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #15137
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 24, 2020
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  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Teacher asks the kids in her class what their fathers did for a living."Mary, what does your dad do?" "He's a doctor, miss." "Joe, what does your dad do?" "He's a pilot, miss." "Billy, what"s your dad do?" "My dad's dead, miss"

    "Oh Billy, I"m so sorry............what did he do before he died?" "He turned purple, farted and fell on the dog, miss."
     
    #15138
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 24, 2020
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  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
    For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
    The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Green Bay Packer Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
    Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
    The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold...”
     
    #15139
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 24, 2020
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  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped, and saved to send their son to college.
    As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next, he grew a large moustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new facial adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents.
    On the back of the photo, he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"
    Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell..."
     
    #15140
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 24, 2020
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