1. Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!

The barnsley joke page

Discussion in 'Barnsley' started by kiwiqpr, Mar 25, 2014.

Page 455 of 836
  1. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    117,146
    Likes Received:
    235,905
    please log in to view this image
     
    #9081
    kiwiqpr, Jul 16, 2020
    Didley Squat, Wooperts_duck and San Diego like this.
  2. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    117,146
    Likes Received:
    235,905
    This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.
    The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

    The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first he gave the rooster a pep talk "I want you to pace yourself. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me, a lot of money; consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun, "the farmer said, with a chuckle.

    Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.

    The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

    Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says "Shhhh, they're getting closer!"
     
    #9082
    kiwiqpr, Jul 16, 2020
    Didley Squat, Wooperts_duck and San Diego like this.
  3. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    117,146
    Likes Received:
    235,905
    please log in to view this image
     
    #9083
    kiwiqpr, Jul 16, 2020
    Didley Squat and San Diego like this.
  4. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    117,146
    Likes Received:
    235,905
    A patient in a mental hospital saves a man from drowning
    After he saved the man's life, the doctors are impressed and think that his mental health is getting much better. They tell him that he will be completely fine in some days and will no longer have to stay in the hospital. A few days later, the doctors inform the patient that he is free to go but share some news, "you did a great thing by saving that man from drowning, but unfortunately he hung himself and died". To this the man replies, " Oh he didn't hang himself I just thought I would hang him outside so he could get dry".
     
    #9084
    kiwiqpr, Jul 16, 2020
    San Diego likes this.
  5. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    117,146
    Likes Received:
    235,905
    An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.
    Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

    The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge."

    "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

    At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You **** her again."
     
    #9085
    kiwiqpr, Jul 16, 2020
    San Diego likes this.
  6. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    117,146
    Likes Received:
    235,905
    An old geezer, who had been a retired.....
    An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic.
    He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000."
    Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
    He went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened.
    Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
    Dr. Young: "Aaagh! This is Gasoline!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
    Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
    Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
    Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
    Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
    Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here's your $1000 back."
    Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

    Moral of story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer "
     
    #9086
    kiwiqpr, Jul 16, 2020
    Gordon Armstrong and San Diego like this.
  7. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

    Joined:
    May 11, 2011
    Messages:
    117,146
    Likes Received:
    235,905
    please log in to view this image
     
    #9087
    kiwiqpr, Jul 16, 2020
    San Diego likes this.
  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    161,736
    Likes Received:
    299,552
    How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.�
    Venison for dinner again? Oh deer�
    A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.�
    I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.�
    Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.�
    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.�
    I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.�
    They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.�
    I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.�
    Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.�
    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.�
    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.�
    This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.�
    When chemists die, they barium.�
    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.�
    I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.�
    Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.�
    I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.�
    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?�
    When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.�
    Broken pencils are pointless.�
    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.�
    I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.�
    All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.�
    Velcro - what a rip off!
     
    #9088
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 16, 2020
    Gordon Armstrong and San Diego like this.
  9. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    161,736
    Likes Received:
    299,552
    please log in to view this image
     
    #9089
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 16, 2020
    San Diego and Didley Squat like this.
  10. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    161,736
    Likes Received:
    299,552
    This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.
    A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
    " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"
    "We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
    "BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
    "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
    "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
    "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
    "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
    Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."
    A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome
    "It was wonder ful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
    And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
    "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
    "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
    Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"
    "Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
    He said: "Who the F*ck did your hair?"
     
    #9090
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 16, 2020
    Gordon Armstrong and San Diego like this.

  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    161,736
    Likes Received:
    299,552
    please log in to view this image
     
    #9091
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 16, 2020
    Gordon Armstrong, San Diego and Didley Squat like this.
  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    161,736
    Likes Received:
    299,552
    Watch out on the road tonight...Accident involving a lorry full of snooker equipment.

    Queues everywhere.....
     
    #9092
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 16, 2020
    Gordon Armstrong and San Diego like this.
  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    161,736
    Likes Received:
    299,552
    please log in to view this image
     
    #9093
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 16, 2020
    San Diego and Didley Squat like this.
  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    161,736
    Likes Received:
    299,552
    A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
    "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast ?
     
    #9094
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 16, 2020
    Gordon Armstrong and San Diego like this.
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    161,736
    Likes Received:
    299,552
    please log in to view this image
     
    #9095
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 16, 2020
    Gordon Armstrong, San Diego and Didley Squat like this.
  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    161,736
    Likes Received:
    299,552
    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
    He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
    "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
    The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
    The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
    The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?"
    "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
    The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!"
    "I remember that too," she replies softly.
    He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today..."
     
    #9096
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 16, 2020
    San Diego and Didley Squat like this.
  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    161,736
    Likes Received:
    299,552
    please log in to view this image
     
    #9097
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 16, 2020
    Gordon Armstrong, San Diego and Didley Squat like this.
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    161,736
    Likes Received:
    299,552
    please log in to view this image
     
    #9098
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 17, 2020
    Gordon Armstrong, San Diego, BluefromBridgend and 1 other person like this.
  19. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    161,736
    Likes Received:
    299,552
    please log in to view this image
     
    #9099
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 17, 2020
    Gordon Armstrong, San Diego and Didley Squat like this.
  20. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    161,736
    Likes Received:
    299,552
    please log in to view this image
     
    #9100
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 18, 2020
    Gordon Armstrong and San Diego like this.
Page 455 of 836
: this kiwi dont eat worms, kiwi never sleeps, kiwi was here, LIKE KIWI, kiwis watching you lot, kiwi farts a lot

Share This Page