Life was so simple before I got married. I had absolutely no idea there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge...
Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous mole removed from his penis...... he won't be shagging one of those again!
My ex girlfriend had a fantastic set of tits!. However one was bigger than the other. She wasn't really that self conscious until she entered a wet t shirt contest and came 1st and 3rd!!..
Manchester police stopped 100 Liverpool fans with flares outside Old Trafford this morning. Turned out they were the same flares they were wearing the last time they won the League.......
My wife said, "I can think of 14 reasons to leave you, plus your obsession with Tennis!" I replied, "That's 15 love!"
My wife wants to divorce me on the grounds of impotence. But I said it wouldn’t stand up in court.....
We went to see a spiritual healer last night ...... What a load of rubbish, even the guy in the wheelchair got up and walked out!
Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing! Father: Really, what? Boy: That the potato should go in the front.
Three men were patiently waiting in line to get into heaven. When they finally got to Saint Peter, the angel said to them: "We're only admitting one out of every three souls right now due to overcrowding. Whoever has the most tragic death of you three will be getting in today." Saint Peter turns to the first man and asks him how he got here. The man replies, "For a few months I've had suspicions that my wife has been cheating on me. So I took the afternoon off to try and catch her in the act. When I got home she was laying in bed naked, so I looked all around our third story apartment. The bastard wasn't anywhere to be found until I saw him hanging naked from the balcony railing! At this point I lost all control and started banging on his fingers until he fell. The lucky bastard landed in a bush and didn't die so I unplugged the fridge and pushed it over the railing to finish the job. When I calmed down I realized what I had done and took my own life due to guilt. Now here I am." Saint Peter says "Tragic indeed, although you shouldn't take the lord's judgment into your own hands" before asking the second man his story. The second man regales: "I had just gotten home from work and since it was such a nice day I decided to do my exercise on my balcony. Because I don't have any neighbors and I'm up high enough I like to exercise in the nude. I was just about done when I slipped on a jogging weight and tumbled over the railing. Luckily I caught myself on the balcony below me, and was about to start calling for help when a man comes out and starts screaming at me and smashing my fingers until I let go. Even more luck, I landed in a bush and didn't die. But before I could crawl out of the tangle I remember looking up, and a refrigerator was the last thing I saw before coming here." Saint Peter is shocked over the story, saying "Oh you poor man, a case if mistaken identity gone horribly wrong." He then turns to the third man for the final story. The man replies: "Okay. Picture me sitting naked, in a refrigerator..."
My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.
In awe, I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebony void of infinite space wherein the tethered belts of Jupiter and Mars hang, for ever festooned in their orbital majesty. And as I looked at all this I thought......I must put a roof on this toilet.
I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's Chamber of Horrors, and one of the attendants said: 'Keep her moving sir; we're stock-taking.'
