There’s a wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road. A man walks by and asks, "What's wrong?" the lad says, "It’s me mammy mister she’s dead" "Oh bejaysus," the man says. "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley?" The wee boy looks up with some surprise and replies, "No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."
Paddy and Seamus are in a boarding house in London writing letters home. Paddy stops writing and says... "Hey, Seamus, how do you spell "dattle"? "Jaysus, sure I've never even heard that word before, how would ya use it in a sentence?" "I said...Dear Ma, please send a woolly jumper dattle fit me" Seamus just about pisses himself laughing and when he finally calms down he says... "It's idiots like you that get the Irish a bad name....there's no such word as dattle, ya feckin gobshite...the word ye want is ...wattle."
I was a bit bored with the usual events at the Olympics so thought it would be a good idea to branch out and see some of the lesser known ones and plumped for Fencing. Amazed at their skill, athleticism and dexterity I decided to dig a bit deeper into what makes an Olympic level Fencer. Because security wasn't as heavy as the more popular events I was able to mingle with the athletes and got to speak to all the medalists. First up was a Dutch Fencer who'd won the Bronze medal, I asked what it was that made him so good he replied "It is all about balance, I am an expert. See that fly there?" he said pointing to a bluebottle floating around "watch this" swish swish swish went his rapier and the fly landed in half at his feet. Impressed I then bumped into the Silver medalist from Russia and asked him what made him so good he replied "It is all about dedication, that is why I am an expert. See that fly there?" and he pointed to another bluebottle buzzing about the room "watch this" swish swish swish went his rapier and the fly landed in three bits on the floor. Impressed I then saw the Gold medalist from France and I asked him the same question about what made him so good, he replied "It is all about concentration, that is why I won the Gold medal and why I am the greatest" and he pointed to another fly shooting around all over the room "watch this" swish swish swish went his rapier and the fly carried on buzzing around the room. "That's no good!" I said "those other two Fencers did that and killed the fly, you let yours get away" "Ah yes" said the French Fencer "but that fly will never have children"
Breaking news: Irish swimming pools will reopen on the 4th of July, due to social distancing there will be no water in lanes 1,3 and 5
