Off Topic Lighten Up - have a laugh: Warning, may contain Adult Material

Hi Ian, hope you are doing well amid this flying virus.
Yes, I can imagine you laughed -or sneered when you saw the buggy.
I laugh as well whenever I visit Coventry Hospital. The main car park nearest the entrance is “Disabled only.”
I have never seen anyone get out of a vehicle with a wheel chair, and even seen people running when the weather is bad.
However, having worked for an electric vehicle company, I said 30 years ago that a golf buggy can be a good idea for use locally eg.wife’s shopping. Zero tax , peanuts to run, almost zero maintenance. Cheap to buy. You just need road plates.
Look after yourself.
Kind regards, John

 

When I realised that Margaret Thatcher was dead I leapt into the air in exultation landed on the ground and burst into the Birdie Song complete with arms flapping and arse wiggling, before changing songs to Kool And The Gang and belting out the lyric "Celebrate good times, come on let's celebrate" in a loud voice.

My work colleagues were disgusted. I suppose they had a point......I was the first Paramedic on the scene that day.

 

How much for those red pants?

 

Dad, mum and the two kids booking into a motel.

Dad: "I hope the porn is disabled."

Receptionist: "It's just regular porn you sick ****!"

 

"Have you ever smelled moth balls?"

"Yes."

"How did you get his tiny little legs apart?"

 

God I love infantile humour

 

Ashamed to say, I went along to the riots over George Floyd's death and looted myself a 65-inch telly.

Some would say that makes me a common thief, but I like to look at the bigger picture.

 

Two jokes, one is a Western type joke, while the second is Russian. I originally liked the first, but am now leaning towards the other.


A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took

her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those ****ers at Jewsons deliver the ****ing bricks on time.'



Young family is moving into abandoned yurt by hill, previous dweller having been seized by politburo. One day, prison gang show up to begin constructing forced-labor camp near yurt.

5 year old daughter of family not yet have natural curiosity destroyed from depression, she begin talking prisoners. Warden enjoy building up prisoners hope so as to shatter it again at opportune moments, so is allowing this tiny ray of happiness.

Girl is hang around, sharing meals of radioactive water and uncooked rats, helping bury bodies of prisoners who die on job. They even giving her dog skull for to protect head.

Girl is surviving one week on job with only minor broken bones and loss of hearing in one ear. Warden, wishing to encourage her enthusiasm for a life of hard labor, presenting her wages of six teeth and 18 centiremeters cobalt wire. Girl's mother, knowing such a treasure is making them ripe target for bands of armed thieves, send girl to local rock field where townsfolk hide valuables.

At rock field, blind bag lady meet girl who tell her she work every day with Vilhelm and Kaspar and Ludvig. She fear girl is another auditory hallucination from malnourish, but ask if girl will return to complete labour camp next week.

Girl think for moment then say "No, as I leaving yurt this morning, hill is collapse in rock slide due to erosion. Prisoners and parents bury beneath rubble." Such is life.

 

Poruchik Rzhevsky is dancing at a ball with a lady. He asks to be excused "to go out to check on the horse". When he returns his clothes are all wet. "Poruchik, is it raining outside?" Asks the lady. "No, m'd'mselle", Rzhevsky responds, "it's windy outside."

 

The Chukchi are the indigenous people from Russia who live near the Bering Sea. A native man was fishing when an American submarine suddenly surfaced. The captain opens the hatch and asks. "Which way to Alaska?"

The native points a finger. "That way."

The captain says thanks and shouts. "South-South-East, bearing 195 degrees." And the sub disappears.

Ten minutes later a Russian sub surfaces. The captain asks. "Where did the Americans go?"

Native. "South-South-East, bearing 195 degrees."

Russian captain. "Don't be such a smart arse, just point your ****ing finger."

 

Ok, one last Russian joke. They have a kind of joke which has to be all swearing, so I apologise for he following. Please take it for what it is, a lesson in vulgar, Russian humour. It's really quite nuanced.

A mistake loading a truck on a building site.

"****heads, why the **** did you ****ing load so ****ing much of this ****? Unfuck it the **** out of here!"

" What the **** for?! **** no! No ****ing need to unfuck! It got ****ed up ****ing well! Let's **** out!"

 

He will be doing the stairs next . One flight at a time .

 

Q: What do you do if there is a nuclear explosion in your proximity?

A: Cover yourself with a white sheet and crawl slowly towards the closest cemetery.

Q: Why slowly?

A: In order not to raise panic.

 

Captain, what should we do in case of a nuclear blast nearby?

– Remember to hold your AK-47 with straightened arms, so that melted metal does not damage your Army boots and uniform!

 

A little girl is playing in the sandpit. She has no hair on her head at all, only a single red bow directly in the middle of her head.

A passerby in amazement: “How is your ribbon holding?”

The girl: “Thanks to the nail it does”