Off Topic Jokes thread

Jurgen Klopp flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation. He scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day

Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you tell me that you were having a great time.'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.'

'Sorry?!!! .......... Sorry?!!!............... ' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'

 

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If London had their own space agency, would the astronauts be saying "Euston we have a problem"

 

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow..?”

 

Paddy gets stopped towing a horsebox on the motorway.
Police ask him "Where are you going sir?"
Paddy says "I'm taking these horses to the races"
"But your box is empty sir!" says the policeman.
"I know" says Paddy, "I'm taking the non-runners first!!!!"

 

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Good to see life guards back on the beaches

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If you’re thinking about a holiday abroad?
Fly to Spain,
Return by dinghy from France.
No quarantine, Job done

 

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My article about the history of toilet paper has been wiped.